It is way later than I should be up, but something made me think.
I’ve been doing a lesson in French every day for the past 1293 days.
I’m not joking.
Anyway, even though I’ve spent so long doing it, I feel like I still know nothing. I can’t form a coherent sentence to save my life. I have sort of been using sources outside the program, mostly the French and Belgian national team’s Facebook page, for reading. I’m actually pretty okay at it. Still, I can’t write anything nor speak. I’ve kind of come to accept that this is how it will be for the rest of my life. The same thing happened with Spanish. I work with a lot of Dominicans and I can sometimes understand it when they speak, but may the Eight help me if I try to say anything back to them in Spanish.
Naturally, you’d say I need more practice, but I have a different idea.
What if this is it? What if this is the best I will be able to do? It seems like today people can’t accept that. They always wanna never stop going for something. At what point does it become wasted time?
This sounds really grim of me, but I can usually gauge how well I’m going to be at something in the first day or so of doing it. French sort of came naturally to me so I stuck with it. I think I reached my peak in it. I’ll learn new vocabulary, but that’ll be it. My new job, I think I have reached my peak usefulness. The Rad Blog will one day return to low thousands when people don’t care about certain drinks anymore.
I’ve decided to keep going in life since I’m doing things rather than coasting on potential. I used to think that I will one day get a nice job because of schooling and that one day I’ll find something I like to do, but now I’m thinking this is it. This is how I will continue until something else comes up in my life. It won’t get better than this and that’s just going to have to be fine. I still harbor some frustration with myself, but I think as I get older the frustration will mellow and not really mean anything anymore.
I’ve learned a lot of things about myself in the last month. I learned that I’d be a terrible manager. I learned that I can’t lead a small community for the life of me. I’ve learned that this is all fine.
It is hard to accept this sort of thing because peers and onlookers keep telling you to keep going or to reach for the stars. I don’t want to reach for the stars. I don’t wanna go anywhere. I want to stay here. Why do I need to keep going? I think that is what bums me out the most. If people just left me alone and said “Well, okay Chas.”
Then again, maybe they aren’t saying that at all. Maybe they don’t actually care and I’m making this up since I just expect people to push me to do things.
A few nights ago I dreamed about being a teacher and what if I followed though with the only direction an English degree gives you. It wasn’t actually so bad. It was the first day of school and I had the class call me Mr. Chas. All I remember was how the kids were on their phones for most of my intro to the class. I remember me addressing my homeroom class and giving a very Chas-esque intro. It was great. I said something like “Good morning. Welcome to the greatest class of all time: homeroom.”
In reality, this would never happen as I would make for a terrible teacher. There’s absolutely nothing you can learn from me and I don’t have a passion to teach anyone anything. I’m way too full of myself.
There’s this one thing I remember reading that every time you want to think negatively about yourself, you’re supposed to write down two positives and honestly I’m having a really hard time thinking balancing that list.
At my best, I’m pretty productive and very orderly. I can fill niche rolls that not many people care about to fill and I can pretty much find a way to do anything I have to do. I can also create a pretty jovial atmosphere.
At my worst, I’m incredibly moody and sometimes downright cruel. I complain a lot about pretty much anything. My low self confidence will either have me break down completely where I write self loathing stuff like this entire post or I get really mad and go on the defensive where I feel like I’m threatened by something. Sometimes, something gets thrown or broken.
Anyway, I don’t know what I wanted to accomplish here. I wanted to write what was on my mind. It is pretty late too. I don’t really have anything to do tomorrow which is great.
Sometimes I want to tell the ultra positive people I know to shut up and that their ultra positive outlook is bringing me down. Isn’t that funny how that works?