At least it wasn’t 3 AM this time.
I’m blue or maybe this is the Mean Reds. I still can’t really remember what she meant by that. Maybe it is both blue and red. The empty greens.
Anyway, I’m at the point again where I feel like I’ve pushed too much and I’ve gone nowhere and don’t see myself going anywhere. Every day I get older and I see how far I haven’t actually come at all. I feel like if I don’t get an idea by 30, I’m doomed. What am I even doing with myself?
People I know are getting married and while I am glad for them, I ask myself if I’m doing something wrong. I’m probably not. I don’t feel like getting married. I don’t know if I ever will. I can’t see that far in the future.
I constantly feel like Squidward when I think of the future. I don’t like it. I won’t like it. It won’t be great like all these positivity slingers out there are trying to sell me.
I feel like everywhere I go, someone is trying to make the best of things for everyone they see. It exhausts me. Things aren’t going to turn out for the best. They just turn out. Just take the hand and do what you will.
I’ve been in this cycle of really destructive thinking lately. I’m trying to disappear from places because I have no desire to be there any more. I don’t wanna talk to a lot of people since they either exhaust me or take away from time I want to spend on myself. I think the worst of all is this desire to take up smoking like it is gonna help me or something. I know it won’t. It’ll just be a vice. I’d be letting my weakness win if I do that.
I settled on buying menthol flavored gum instead. Maybe the cool burst of that will settle my “desire” for a cigarette. I thought of vaping, but the stupid pens and boxes are way too complicated. I don’t have time to learn how to customize a box with amps and whatever. Cigarettes are much easier. Light it, inhale, done. None of that stupid motor nonsense that is like intro to electrical engineering.
You know, I just feel so disconnected. I blame it on age. Maybe it isn’t the whole reason, but I’m out of the loop on most things. I don’t share opinions on games anymore. I don’t share opinions on life. I don’t share opinions of what others think I should be doing.
Why do I write these? Is it a call for help? Is it a bandage so I can last another day? Is is because I have nothing else to do and I’m really bored? Is it because I refuse to seek help because it’ll mean I was too weak to deal with my own way of thinking? Some guy online said I should get help because I said I wanted to ruin my life. I think that guy should take a hike in the woods.
Tomorrow is another day and hopefully a better one than this night. I will be able to write another Drink Reaction post which have only seen a jump in numbers. I think I’m doing something okay there. I don’t have to work my new second job tomorrow night so I get some time to rest. Friday morning is free too so I’m gonna take a walk and play Pokemon Go so I can ruin some high school kid’s gym since everyone is on Team Mystic and they can go join that guy in the woods.
Anyway, I don’t think I need to go so far with my self-destruction. A bit will help me in the long run I think. Eliminating old friends that I don’t care about anymore may ease my mind. Not showing up to places I don’t like will keep it out of sight and out of mind too. That menthol gum will also help me since chewing gum is much better than breathing asbestos.
All in all, I think I just need to say this stuff. I just need to not hate myself so much. I just need to feel like I did something right for once. I need to know I’m going in the right direction and maybe I’ll see a friend or two on the other side.
The other side is so far away. Maybe it isn’t. I can’t really see it since I don’t know where to look. I’ll just keep looking straight.
I suck, but I’m not a lost cause. It is this very thought that has kept me going all these years.