I’ve been doing some video viewing for lack of a better way to say it.
You know what those “Draw My Life” videos are? If not, whatever. It is basically successful people who let their viewers or fans know the real them. Most of the ones I’ve seen go like “I was bullied in school and I was sad, but then I met cool people and make videos. Now I’m really successful and working hard on my dream.”
So, Chas, are you gonna make fun of them being all the same? No. Not at all. They probably aren’t the same in the long run anyway. I’m here to talk about that “dream” they all seem to mention.
Now, I’ve been hit with this whole “dream” thing my whole life. I’m sure you have too. It is how we are raised. What are you gonna do when you grow up? Which colleges are you applying to? What are you majoring in? Are you going to grad school? Yes. I ended a ton of those in a preposition but I don’t care right now. That’s not true, I care, but not enough to fix it.
Anyway, that’s been life. You know it. I know it. I just never had an answer. I don’t know.
I really don’t know.
My whole life its been allured to that I probably should know because that’s what people do. They know what they are gonna do and they do it. I’ve had friends like that. They knew from a young age all that stuff they were gonna do. Do they end up doing that? Sorta sometimes. If not, they adapt. They find a new interest and do that instead. They don’t get accepted to their first school so they make the most of their second school. Their parents are proud and drink wine on the balcony.
I guess I was blessed with an open ended life. My parents never really said “you must do this.” I mean, they did, but it was for typical stuff like “Don’t break the law” or whatever. You know what I mean by that. I’m saying they left it open to whatever I wanted to do. Do I wanna try basketball? Cool. They got me Shaq shoes and signed me up for the rec team. When I was no good at it, the only rule was to see it through to the end. I did. Still didn’t like it. Still didn’t get very good at it. The point is, they were always letting me pick my destiny without any real “No, you need to keep doing this.” When it came to college, again. Nothing. I didn’t apply anywhere. My grades were okay. I got A’s and B’s in school, but I wasn’t top in my class or in GT or whatever. My guidance counselor was like “Da heck man. You need to apply to college.” I pocked that and continued to infatuate with my own petty wars or whatever I call it. Then my guidance counselor was like “You needed to apply like yesterday. Are you going to college at all? You need to go.” It was always my ma’s dream for me to go so I just expected it was the thing to do.
Okay, I’ve said this a billion times that I wish I had more of a choice or I wouldn’t have gone because school sucks and classroom education is overrated. I won’t say it again in that many words, but I wasted my time in college. I went for the sake of going. I had no motivation there. I was just doing my time. I learned things I guess, but I didn’t enjoy things. I put like no effort into my schooling too. If it was good work, it was good work. If it wasn’t, then I failed the assignment and that was that.
So, dream. Yeah. What I’m trying to say is that I didn’t try because I didn’t see a point in it. I don’t have a dream and I’m sitting here wondering if that’s a bad thing. Am I supposed to have a dream? I’ve been in this environment that seems like people have this end goal and I’m here just trying to see what I’m gonna make for dinner tomorrow or if it will be the day I finally get 120 Proof on Payday.
I’m going back to my seasonal job this summer even thought I said it would be my last time last year. I don’t really have a choice. Being a slacker doesn’t make money. Am I actually a slacker? I guess I am. According to some I’m lazy. I’m not scared. I’m too scared. I don’t know. There’s a ton of theories out there about why I suck so hard at life. The truth is, and the one I’m starting to believe, is that it actually doesn’t matter. All of this goal stuff? It isn’t who I am. It never was. My goal is to be without goals? Maybe I don’t get that dream job ever. I guess I just wanna survive.
I think one day I will fully comprehend this. I will fully be able to be resilient to the ruse that I’m worthless because I’m not doing anything with my life. I think I just need to really understand that surviving is all I need. My joy in life, if you can call it joy, is whatever I’m doing right now. Do you think I planned to write a whole blog post near 3 AM? Nope. Do you think I plan on my Drink Reactions? Nope. You think I plan at all? Small things, yeah, but not really. You know what my goal was for today? Try Red Dead Revolver. That was my goal yesterday too and I didn’t do it because I didn’t feel like it.
I guess I’m just…concerned with the stigma that this way of seeing things is lazy or whatever. That I’m a loser. I mean, I already know I am when you compare me to my friends. I don’t have a real job. My education is a joke. I don’t help anyone outside of a video game. I don’t go to church. I don’t wanna do most things you invite me to either.
I’m almost there. The lack of care has progressed. I don’t care about my high school woes anymore. Okay, who hasn’t really? I just did it in a different way. Most people, I feel, forget their high school woes by getting involved in more “adult” stuff. Me, I just stopped caring because I had bigger fish to fry like paying rent and wondering if I’m gonna have to play with Stoic since I was hit by bad RNG with Rogue.
Anyway, I needed to write this stuff to get it off my mind. I wanted to break out of this funk I’ve been in for a long time. I don’t think I will ever stop hating myself, but maybe I will learn not to care about it. Maybe I just need to stop thinking about myself. Maybe I just need to stop thinking. Full stop.
Tomorrow I am going to be asked how my weekend was and if I wrote anything and how I need to write about something people care about to make money. I don’t actually wanna do that, and telling me I should is absolutely the best way possible for making sure I don’t do it. I’ll even go out of my way to make sure it doesn’t happen just because someone is trying to “persuade” me to go that route. I’m really good at undermining myself. Just look at my modding spell on Neo.
Anyway, after I hear the song and dance about how I should do this and that and why haven’t I done this other thing, I’m gonna get more insecure about my life and wonder what my dream is in the end.
Maybe I won’t. Maybe after writing this I’ll just nod and go “Yeah, no” in my head.
One last thing, I think something that holds me back is the idea that I need to make something of myself to show the ones I care about that I’m actually trying for them. Maybe that’s my problem. I’m trying for them and not for me. At the end of the day, I don’t care about me. I care way more about them. Aren’t I supposed to be self-centered? I don’t get me. See why I hate myself? Why am I so self-centered yet I wanna work hard so my Queen will love me? Maybe I’ll know one day. Maybe not.