It’s 3 AM and I have this thought on my mind that won’t leave so it is off to this blog.
I watched this guy’s Draw My Life video and it made me think of how far behind I am. Draw My Life videos show successful people’s origins and how they made it with hard work and luck.
So, I got to thinking maybe I’m lazy or unlucky or both. I’m so far behind these people. They are about my age give or take a few years. They are doing what they love and here I am trying to navigate a corn maze in the dark with only a cell phone light, and I’m not talking about the flashlight app.
It is true that my current job is enjoyable. I truly do like what I do and that is one huge victory for me. I’ve spent years as you can tell by the history of this blog, deciding on what I like. I am working a job now that I enjoy doing for the most part, but it isn’t enough to make a living. How do I compromise? I work a summer job that I hate. I hate it so much, I have no words for it. I don’t want to sound ungrateful for it, but the work, the clientele, and the management are nigh unbearable. My coworkers are okay, but this job is for younger people. I’m too old to be doing it anymore.
Anyway, I’m just feeling low again since I know I suck and I can probably do more to fix it, but don’t.
That’s another thing. Am I working hard enough? A friend’s dad told me I don’t have potential since I never had the guidance. I wanted to prove him wrong, but so far he’s been right. I am a loser. I’m a bad friend. I have bad luck. I am not going to pick myself up and I will sit here wondering why I was ever born.
Okay, perhaps that was a bit overdramatic. Still, what I said isn’t false. I am a bad friend. I say I have lost all my friends because they moved but really I never bothered to keep in touch with them. Even poor Gildem deserves better. He’s always getting me cool things and sending me silly videos and all I do is say “Thanks man” or “Cool.” He’s so much better of a friend than I am to him. He’ll realize it one day.
I don’t know what this feeling is anymore. There’s things I can tell you, but I don’t know what the proper name for it is. Here’s an example: I hate myself so much that I actually can’t wait to see myself hit rock bottom and try to find my way out from it. I want to see myself fail, but will also accept success since it will be ironic. When I say I hate myself, I am not saying I want to die or want to beat myself up. No. I just can’t stand the person I’ve become. I can’t stand how worthless I feel or how the negative aspects of my life outweigh the positives. I can’t stand how I have such good friends and I can’t ever repay them since I’m so self-absorbed in my problems that I’ve ballooned enough that it might have saved the Hindenburg. Why must I hate myself so much? Why can’t I ever win anything?
I have stayed up for too long. I should sleep.