That One Episode I Don’t Feel Like Watching

I got in this really odd mood today. I’ve been on a 4 day weekend with the holiday and all, but I stressed myself out today for who knows what reason.


I was playing this game today that I bought a million years ago since it was on a free trial and I liked it. Needless to say, playing a shooter on a laptop with no mouse is pretty hard. I let it sit until recently where I played it. The game is a co-op horde shooter so it should be right up my alley. I was playing on the easiest difficulty since I don’t know what the heck I’m doing and I’m getting absolutely mullared by the enemies. I thought maybe it was bad because I wasn’t leveled up or whatever. No. There were other guys with my skill level doing just fine. They didn’t die. It was just me.


Then I find a good group who know what they were doing. They were obvious vets to the game since they had the max level of 6. I was hanging on a 1 or 2 at the most. You start at 0. Anyway, I was playing my medic class and I felt a tad more useful since I didn’t really have to go in combat too often since I’m supposed to be healing. The thing is, such experienced players don’t actually get hurt so I’m left with doing nothing.


I’m at an impasse here.


Do I sit around and do nothing and feel useless or do I chance myself in combat and die which also makes me feel useless? There’s no winning there.


What’s worse is that the vet players wanted to turn the difficulty up to the hardest. I told em “you’re kidding me, right?” They said I’d be fine. I said I’d probably die.


So I left.


I left the good group who were entertaining and pretty nice to say the least. It is a shame when you suck so bad that the cool people will only be held back by you.


I’m a firm believe if I don’t get it right in the first few tries, then I’m never gonna get it at all.


I know what you might say. You’ll say, “Chas, that can’t be true.”


Maybe you’re right. Maybe if I kept at something I’d get better at it, but I guess I should reword what I’m trying to say. If I don’t get something after a few tries, it probably isn’t worth the effort of me trying to get better.


I hear you again, “Chas, then how are you ever going to do anything?”


I’ll tell you this, it is better for me to cut my losses. If I subject myself to a game or whatever that I don’t grasp in the first few tries, I’ll go on this long journey of feeling like trash. Confidence will take a huge hit and just because of this one thing, I’ll be in an odd mood for the rest of the day/week/month. It isn’t worth subjecting myself to that.


Was I like that with Payday? I can’t really remember. I set my own pace with that game. I’m not a great player by any means. I just have a lot of experience. I know what works and what doesn’t.


I think that’s the main thing for me. If I can see myself getting experience in my own way, then even harder things might be worth the effort. It is all about this interior formula that only I can measure. It is like potential of gaining experience plus confidence plus natural skills. If it doesn’t fall in my acceptable zone or whatever, I leave it.


So, this game? What did I do? I uninstalled it again. I’m not gonna get better at it. I’m not gonna have fun as everyone else scores higher than me. I’m not just upset with myself for being so bad at it, I’m upset that I pushed yet another potential friendship out the door because I wasn’t feeling right. The same stuff happens all around me. Insecurities wipe out my already dwindling number of friends. People probable question me every time I take one of those personality tests and it says I’m extroverted.


“Chas, you are?” they might say to anyone else but me. “You have like no friends and you avoid social contact like the plague.”


It isn’t that I don’t like talking to others. I don’t actually shut up if I’m honest. I just build myself up with all these crazy “what ifs” whenever I meet someone new or play games with others.


As an example, these cool people I met in the game. Did they really want me to keep playing with them or did they just wanna toy with me and see me screw up? Was it just a test to see if I’d sink or swim? Did they genuinely think I was cool? How can I even be cool if I am not good at the game. How can anyone like someone not getting things like me?


Maybe I should just stick to single player games.


In a way, I gotta thank Payday for what it has done for me. It has made me have actual confidence in something. There’s very few things I show confidence and that game is one of them. Maybe that’s why I like it so much.


But why? It isn’t like Payday hasn’t killed my confidence before. When I first played One Down (the hardest difficulty) I felt worthless. It was everyone else scoring higher and surviving. Me? No. It was just like this game today.


So, why does Payday become my favorite game and I eventually get the One Down skull for beating all the heists on that difficulty and this game gets uninstalled? I don’t know. I really don’t. Must be my formula.


Anyway, confidence issues suck. They just freaking suck. I really hope you, who is reading this, doesn’t wear confidence issues like a 100 pound chain around your waist like I do. Again, it is a lose-lose situation for me. If I ask for help, I feel even worse since I wasn’t strong enough to tackle this myself. If I don’t, then I screw something else up and the chain gets heavier.


I just need to keep going. That’s all I can do. Gotta live for the days where this chain doesn’t feel as heavy even though it hasn’t gotten any lighter. That’s all.


Until then, I should sleep.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s