MNA: The Grand Prize Wasn’t Worth It

Maybe it is because I had a bad end to my night, but I’m really feeling poor. There’s a few things out there that contributed to my mood.
I’m thinking about college again because I got an email from the Devil saying I need to pay my student loan again. Really, it is just money thrown out the window. My student loan is so high, though I’ve seen others who have it higher. I don’t use my education at all. It wasn’t worth it.
That’s the inspiration for this title.
I was told all my life by parents and teachers that I was smart and I’d go to college and then be anything I want. I had this lie drilled into me that it seemed like a fact. Maybe it was young men’s fault for not questioning that. I don’t know. What I do know is that the jobs I have now don’t really need college education. I could have gotten where I am today if I just kept my high school job and flipped the bird to college.
It is easy for me to rue my choices and talk about what could have been, but it is done. I can’t change it. I am stuck with the Devil laughing at me while I teeter closer and closer to bankruptcy. Even after that, it will still haunt me since bankruptcy only delays the Devil’s fire. There is no winning here. 
I know I will never get a job in my field and that’s fine. I didn’t really want a job in my field after figuring out that I hated my major in my Junior year. I just was hoping I’d have something more than this. 
Maybe I really am stupid. I don’t get interviews because I’m a liability or something.
I don’t wanna come off as complaining. I’m just fed up with how much of a failure I am and there’s no way to fix it. I can’t think of one big change I can make to improve my situation. Sure you can give me all these little ideas like “start learning about money investment” or “take some freelance jobs.” Okay. No. I’m actually really stupid and understand next to nothing about finance. Besides, it is really boring. Freelance jobs? Okay. Sure. I’m freelance, guys. I’ll write your term papers for like 20 bucks. For an extra 50, it might even be good. All you risk is your standing in school since that would be major plagiarism.
I just needed to get words out there. This thing is kicking me in the teeth lately. I will just push it back in my head, but it’ll be back. It is one of the biggest things that makes me so miserable where I doubt I’ll ever be happy again. I kinda know I won’t.
When I see this whole fight depression movement, I can’t help but think of both parties. The one half wants the other to get better and the other half doesn’t think it ever will. There’s an odd emergy in depression. I’ve come to sort of coincide with it that it like makes me constantly use adrenaline so I’m always thinking each moment is my last since my biggest threat is myself. Even so, I’m exhausted all the time so it isn’t really ideal, but it’s all I have. 
A few nights ago I wanted to disappear again from everything. I wanted to delete all my online accounts and just play NBA Street Vol 2 after work. I just don’t wanna see my friends any more. They want me to do things. It may be simple things like responding to a question or just getting an opinion on something. Yeah, well, I don’t feel like it. I just wanna be left to my own devices where no one tries to cure me or whatever it is they want. This is where I’ve been headed for a long time and those who truly accept that are the kind of people I want in my life. I don’t want someone trying to improve me. I’m at the maximum efficiency. I can’t be vastly more than the guy I am today.
Anyway, that’s it. I’m going to bed.


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