A Bit Obtuse

On Neoseeker today someone asked what I had against Discord. There are two reasons for this, but the reason I gave was the truer of the two.

 

Okay, maybe “truer” isn’t the right word. Maybe I mean “more accurate.” Well, both reasons are accurate. Okay, just hear me out and maybe you can think of the right word for this situation. I’m thinking what I mean to say is that this reason has more of an impact than the other reason.

 

Okay, well, the first reason (and the one I didn’t give) was that Discord is pretty darn shady and won’t let users up and delete their accounts. A long time ago, I had a Discord account, but realized I didn’t use it ever and never wanted people to add me on it so I wanted to delete it. Discord suggest that you just change your password and let it be. Well, most sane websites or programs actually have a delete account button or method. Heck, I think WordPress does in the “Settings” here. Anyway, Discord has like 1000 hoops to jump through to even be considered deleted. The support staff there do their best job to convince you that your account is “as good as gone” by just changing your password but never logging back into the account. No. I wanted out and I demanded it. After like 3 or 4 emails with some support person, they “deleted” my account, I guess. I think they just kind of deactivated it from public eye.

 

I just don’t wanna deal with that and you might not think it is a big deal, but a lot of users there want the option. For whatever reason, my email was tagged in a forum post there that talked about being deleted. I’d get like 2 emails a day from people saying how stupid it was for not being able to delete their account. I think I just ended up blocking Discord from my email because I got tired of getting all those emails.

Yeah, that’s not the actual reason I gave, but it certainly seems like a good reason, yeah?

 

Well, the true reason, and the subject of this post, is the real point of me wanting to delete the thing in the first place. You see, I have strange tendencies to get really asocial. At first you might say “Oh, that’s just typical introversion there. Nothing really bad. Heck, even extroverts need time alone.” No. It isn’t like that. It is much more grandiose. I get to this point where I just hate everyone. I mean it. I hate people for the smallest reasons at this point. Someone answers me in a way I wasn’t expecting? I get mad at them. This anger turns to paranoia where I think it is me who they all actually hate and then I isolate myself to avoid conversation. I also do this by being overly mean to people too, typically accusing them of something they absolutely didn’t intend to do. This whole ordeal may last a month or it may last a few days. It really depends on how I am.

 

So, I see Discord as another obstacle in that sort of thing. I think the people I do talk to have caught on to my flighty personality and are probably tired of my antics. I don’t blame them. I wouldn’t want to talk to me either.

 

There are actually people who want to see past this and try to converse with me anyway. They usually fall in a category of me ignoring them because I have nothing constructive to say to them or me wondering why they bother yet I still drop a line to them. They also don’t try to “fix” me or whatever. I don’t want to be fixed.

 

In a deep irony, I like this misery, yet I hate almost everything about myself. Don’t worry, I don’t get it either. Actually, maybe I do.

 

Back to Discord. Yeah. I just find that it is another thing there to act out and annoy people so I don’t bother with it. I don’t want to talk to people in game. I don’t have friends I must talk to every night. I don’t want that either. I just won’t make an account. If someone really needs me, chances are they have plenty of other outlets to reach me.

 

On another note, I was gonna try and enroll in Word Ads or whatever they call it here on The Rad Blog, but I don’t get enough views to make it worth my while. I’m not gonna try either. It is like once a week writing things there. It is going downhill too I think. The drink posts I used to invest so much of my interest in has become quite crap. Does anyone actually think I’m clever in what I have to say? Am I even trying to be clever. I’ve been told I write like I speak so that must mean I’m a madman since I change ideas and topics on a whim. I’ve been told that before. It is true. Don’t worry, I hate myself too.

 

Years ago when I was still in school, I wondered when I’d either outgrow this phase of hating everything and everyone and it seems like it does happen for most people. I’m not trying to say I’m deeply disturbed and need actual help or something, but I feel like I’m lagging behind. Everyone has nice jobs and good places to live and they can actually afford to go to a seafood restaurant and order crab. All the kids my age are doing something. They got goals and are making something of their degrees. I’m just sitting here on two part times that won’t materialize and I do nothing to further myself. Part of that is because I see it as futile. Part of me is too tired to try. I’m trying to convince myself that this is as good as it’ll get and I just gotta make my way through this and I’ll eventually understand that it is all okay. Maybe it isn’t okay, but it is okay enough. I gotta set the bar there I suppose. Too many people are shooting for the stars that not enough of them are willing to aim for the Wawa down the street instead.

 

I think I may have lost my way while trying to find it. I just need like a week’s rest. I just don’t wanna do anything for a whole week. I’ll come back read to take on my dead end life that can be, as TS Eliot said, measured in coffee spoons.

 

This is all whatever. Maybe tomorrow I wake up and someone drops a thousand bucks in my pocket because they just feel like it and with that money I go and buy a lottery ticket that wins me a lot of money so I don’t have to deal with this way of thinking any more.

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