MNA: The Question Is “What?”

I didn’t feel so bad today despite work kicking the snot out of me. I’ll be down to 1 day a week at second job which I’m hoping helps my mental health.
I really shouldn’t complain. The job really isn’t that bad. The people I cater all suck, but at least I never see them again. I shouldn’t complain about work. I’m lucky to have a job. People might even ask why I’m not trying to start my own business.
I’ve decided that a lot of things going on with me is this whole being stuck in the middle of society’s rage. The older people will call me lazy and the people my age will call me uninformed. It’s a lose lose for me. Maybe I am lazy. I don’t want to make a big living and live in a house with 3 kids and a lawn. I want to live in a condo where I have decent internet and all the soda I can drink.
I’m trying to shoulder blame on myself where there isn’t any problem. Everything is so political these days that it’s depressing. No one is ever happy and then they ask me why I’m not happy. Well, no one is.
I’ve made my mental state known to most people I know. They all say “If you need to vent, talk to me.” Half of them I don’t want to bother with it and the other half I don’t think are sincere about it. Everyone says they want to help but the question is this: what are the helping? What’s wrong with me? I can’t tell what the problem is or maybe there isn’t even a problem at all. Maybe this is all in my mind and I just need to drown all my troubles in Payday and Pepsi. I wanted alliteration so I went with “Pepsi.”
I think with me being down to 1 day a week and first job being more hands on with work soon, I’ll feel better. I think I’m going to delete my Twitter since it just is upsetting and I don’t follow football/soccer anymore.
I have one last thought here. I find it incredibly weak to ask for help. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing to do. I just feel so darn weak asking for help. When people say “Oh lemme help you find a job” or “Talk to me, Chas. I will help” or “I’m just a phone call away any time you need me.” I just feel so weak if I can’t pull myself out of it. I hate bothering others because I know they have their own things they are doing. I’m not important to them nor should I be. I have to take control of this. That’s what this blog helps with the most. It is probably why I got so low in the first place since I wanted to keep drinks and posts like this separated.
I guess I also feel that these people who “want” to help may just go “Tut! Is that all? People are worse off than you.” I know they are. Anyone who reads the news knows that. I just can’t help feeling so miserable. If it was as easy as snapping my fingers and swapping to a normal yet curmudgeon attitude, I’d do it. Trust me, I would.
What a dumb person I am. I don’t know what to do but I refuse help for direction. I’ll never learn, will I?


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