I have some things I need to get out of my head because I’m beating myself up more and more lately. I wanna get this out before it gets too bad.
I got to thinking about how I’m only getting older and yet I’m still in the circus with kids. I mean, these kids are good kids, but I’m too old of a lion. I don’t wanna do tricks. I wanna roam the plains and kill wildebeests.
I sat on my bedroom floor for a while thinking about jobs again and I couldn’t think of a single one where I’d shine. The two part time scene got old really fast. Now I got another factor who is telling me I need to get a third because I don’t work hard enough.
It is never enough for anyone. It is like my opinion on things doesn’t matter. It makes me think that maybe it doesn’t. Maybe it really doesn’t. Friends’ parents told me I wasn’t doing things right or my priorities weren’t straight. Now I’m getting new flak? Is it even flak? What’s the difference between flak and criticism any more? The line is always getting more blurry.
So I thought of things about what I’d do and one idea came out that I’d leave second job and try to get other part time work with the country club. It would still be part time work, but to a different clientele. That’s kind of my biggest issue with second job right now. I just don’t wanna do this anymore. It isn’t me.
So I talked to old co-worker who because a police office and asked him what it was like going through the academy and what he thought about me joining it one day. He didn’t have any objections to it. He just said I should get back in shape which isn’t a problem. I can get back into shape.
The second thing he said made me think. He told me I need thick skin because of all the let downs and yelling. I thought about it and I don’t think I can do that. I don’t think I could handle people in my face. I don’t like conflict, especially if it is geared towards me. Does it make me a weaker person? Probably. It is how it is. I’m weak. I can’t take that sort of punishment. I couldn’t take a very minor version of it in high school sports, I couldn’t take it for job training. I guess I don’t really want to be a police officer if I am not willing to power through that. It’s a shame, because I could have been pretty decent with my eye for fairness and a genuine want to help people in need. I don’t think it is stress I can’t handle. I think it is just I take things too personally. It’s how I am.
I guess I was doomed from the start because if I can’t take friends’ parents telling me I suck then there’s no way I can take it in drill. I guess that’s my fatal flaw.
New obstruction called me a coward the other day for not wanting to quit second job to find something else. I don’t think I’m a coward at all. I think it would be stupid to leave a job for unknowns. What am I supposed to do without second job? Find a newer and not as well paying second job? No.
I’ve been told real money is in starting my own business. Twice. They say I should be a lawn mower. I hate the outdoors. I hate mowing lawns. I also hate knocking on doors and begging people for business. Who are you gonna hire? A nobody with a push mower who is gonna charge you just as much as the second option: a big company with giant mowers and big staff? No. You aren’t stupid. Plus, they have better tools. You get lackadaisical me mowing your lawn who can’t even mow straight. Pass.
So, I think I’ll just stay as an errand boy. I’m fine at doing things people tell me to do. Chas, go give this letter to so-and-so. Chas, go run this to my car and then pick up my laundry. Chas, go jump off that building and if you don’t break your legs, do it again.
I guess I’m just tired of feeling so low all the time. I’m tired of feeling like I’m nothing and I’m even more tired of actually being nothing. A logical person would say I should change it, but I am too far gone. Even if I could, how? What do I even do first? Do I go knock on someone’s door and say “Pay me or your windows get painted blue?” Isn’t that racketeering?
Maybe I just gotta look at my reflection in the window and tell myself that the Chas on the other side sucks more than the Chas looking though it. Maybe if I went though that window, I’d have things even worse. It’s true. It could be worse, but it sure could be better too.
Ah well. I’ll just keep thinking about this.