2 posts in a day, yeah? Yeah.
The truth is, I’ve been miserable lately. Like, really, really miserable. I thought it was a lack of video games, but that isn’t it either.
I think I’ve found it.
I’m feeling really useless lately. If you know me at all, mostly from reading for the last five years, my lows happen because I feel useless. I blame my degree a lot of the time, but I’ve come to peace with that. I’m tired of complaining about how I should have majored in something else because it isn’t that. It is much bigger. It isn’t my degree that’s causing me grief. A degree is essential these days. It is like the new high school diploma. If you aren’t going to college or a trade school, you might as well be counted out forever. It is the new, in video game terms, “meta.”
No, my low right now is not really because I can’t find full time work. It isn’t because I don’t know what to do with myself. Those things have been said so many times that I’m not sure that they matter any more. It is because I can actually feel me being useless now.
I’m with my Queen now. We want to start our life. We want to move, but I feel like I’m holding us back because I don’t make enough money to help. I like my job here, I suppose. I’m content with it. I know it won’t be full time despite everyone else’s optimism. I’ve been looking here and there for a new job, but I don’t really wanna leave this school. This is the first time I’ve ever felt like I’m in the right place. If I leave here, then I have to relearn everything somewhere else. I’m not known there. I’m known here. They know me for where I’ve worked. I wanna keep the faith at this place that they’ll hire me full time one day. One day.
At the same time, that “one day” is not soon enough. I suppose the solution is to find a second job.
I’m just down is all because I feel like I’m never gonna see results. Optimism is annoying because I’m so far down this hall that I feel like it isn’t going to end. I can say “it will” but do I believe it? I don’t know.
What I’ve tried to do is not care. Thinking of the future is not something I want to do. It has to many unknowns. I’m here and now. Whatever I can do now is what matters. The future comes and every time I think about it, I realize how like I can figure out on my own.
I guess I’m feeling pressure from others as well. I see my friends being successful and I feel like I should have followed their path. I bring it on myself because I can do cool things. I mean, I can, but maybe I shouldn’t because I can’t really afford it. I retreat to things I like and even those bring me down because of random things like people begin too critical or me being overwhelmed with my own inability to be successful in real life translating to things I enjoy.
I have been avoiding going off the grid because it doesn’t do anything except make me feel worse in the end, but I feel like I might have to. I’m exhausting myself trying to look the other way on things. Cutting ties has helped a lot, but part of me wishes I didn’t. I had this one friend, right. I explained everything that was wrong with him and how he made me feel on a stream. It made me feel better. I still miss the thing that made us friends.
I think I just can’t take it any more. I want to chill. I just wanna chill and vanish from everything and play Euro Truck for a while. I do that but it doesn’t stop this lowly feeling.
I just don’t know what to do anymore. What’s gonna make me feel better? Euro Tuck helps for a night, but in the morning I’m still a useless spec of dirt.
I just gotta chill. I gotta stop bothering with these pressures because there’s nothing I can do about it.
I say it, but it isn’t true. The optimist would say it is all my fault. My life is in my own hands. I wish they could prove it. Am I not doing enough? What am I not doing? If you can tell me that, then I’ll see to it. Maybe I’ve done it already. Do I need another go?
I think I just need to stop looking for advise. No one tell me anything. I’ll figure this out myself. Rad Blog will help me because it is me.
I just want to be good, you know? Someone to say “Chas is doing a good job. He’s a good dude.” Okay, maybe not that. Maybe I wanna feel like I am. That’s it. I need to feel like I’m doing a good job. Am I doing a good job? I mean, I could be, but I just can’t grasp it.
I just need to wait. I’m good at waiting. Just gotta strike when my opportunity is open. Nothing been open yet. I’m a gator. They don’t run foolishly after food. They wait until the the elk is closest to the water and strike.
Just got to wait for my elk to get closer.