I’ve been feeling kinda lost in Blues Town for the past couple of weeks. I don’t know exactly what it is, but this morning hit the hardest.
Anyway, I’m feeling that crappy low-point where I just wanna take down all my videos and stop streaming forever. I’m even giving up on football. Seriously, I don’t even care about it anymore. I don’t want to play. I don’t want to watch. I just don’t wanna be associated with that sport any more.
I’m resisting the total isolation movement I tend to do because I don’t think it helps me. The videos are still up right now, though it is going on a week or so since I asked for help on approving my comments and it is still broken. At least someone else is having the same problem as I saw on YouTube’s help forum. I still think that is a terrible idea to make users go to some forum for help. They have “experts” but I think they are just users that are adept at finding the solution to the problem. An expert tried to help me, but her solutions didn’t work. It isn’t her fault. Nope. I think it is a glitch and I don’t expect an expert to know how to fix that immediately. Also, in her defence, I did leave out some other solutions I tried such as using different browsers and trying to approve it from the video’s main page.
It looks like I’m going to have to post all my videos here and let my WordPress comment section work as the comments.
My problem right now is that I’m brought down by being a loser. Yes. I am a loser. My videos suck. My blog posts aren’t much better. My streams only attract teens who want free crap.
I shouldn’t care about others. Most of the time I don’t, but I sense for this sort of belonging, you know? Like, my videos suck because I make them for me rather than what interests people. I use this blog to either write posts on drinks or make myself feel better. My streams, I just don’t care. I’m not lively. I’m not trying to be funny. I just chill. No one likes that. Yet, I just want to have a sort of belonging. I know I have my small group, but sometimes I feel like I need to inspire everyone. I guess it is the extrovert in me. It is my personality from the Meyers Briggs thing. My personality (ESTJ) is based on feeling useful. Do I feel useful right now? Not even the slightest.
I guess I can base this on my real life too. I don’t have a full time job. I can’t move out with the Queen just yet. I don’t know what to do, man. I want to be useful, but here I am blogging away. I guess I have to go out and make myself useful, but it doesn’t work like that. I may be a kind of guy that wants to feel useful, but I’m also extremely unmotivated to actively seek. That’s never been my nature either. I am quite passive when it comes to things. You would know if you watched my videos or streams. I simple do not cater to the masses. Instead, I find my own place in an already working machine.
It’s like this for me: I volunteered for this pancake thing at a church once. The lady who was bossing every around told me to clear off tables when people were done eating. There were already like 6 people doing that so I was just standing around. I ended up wandering to the kitchen where this guy was making the pancakes. Eventually, I helped him with the batter and that’s where I was the rest of the day. There was just one guy doing the pancakes, but he needed help. I saw he did and just meshed in with his work.
This was many, many years ago but I’m still like this today. Is this actively searching? Not really. I don’t think of it like that. I was already at the function and I knew my part was useless so I went to find something else to do. I’m not out and about after work looking for volunteer work because I like my current routine. Does it get me anywhere? Not really, but I’m happy with it.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t have that ability where I am currently. I can’t just wander somewhere and help some other department. It is not my job. I can’t leave my area in case something comes in for me. Are there areas that could use my help? Probably, but they aren’t paying me to do that. That’s another lesson I learned. I will not do other people’s work for free. Volunteering is one thing, but doing someone’s job is not worth my time. I know that often happens in the office world which is why I’ve decided I’m not looking in the office field anymore.
Really, I just have to wait until the receivers retire or UPS decides they want to hire loaders. I think that’s what I want to do. I’ve found that I like the physical aspect of work, but not TOO physical. Roustabouts can keep their job. That’s hardcore and dangerous.
College taught me a lot about myself. It taught me that school is useless in the aspect that what is being taught will get me no where. It taught me how to adapt. It taught me how to find what professors are looking for in terms of writing. It taught me to analyze what’s important and what isn’t. Math? Science? Useless. When was the last time I measured angles? Probably in high school. When was the last time I needed to know cell parts? Well, that doesn’t count since I am a crossword enthusiast so I remember facts like that, but practical use? Never! The process of retaining that information about cells? I use it every day. The actual way I ended up passing that math test on measuring angles by teaming up with the kid that actually wasted his time studying? Useful!
The things people take from schooling will be different for everyone. Some will find that studying prospers. Today, they probably are very reliable because they put in effort to fully understand things. Others used it to boost popularity which gave them the skills to connect and network, thus landing them in a role where they don’t do very much, but make good money. People like me, I learned the ins and outs of personalities I suppose. I know who to call upon for certain things. I know who to avoid because they can’t help me. I know who knows what. I know what people want from me. Has it gotten me anywhere? Not yet, but maybe it will one day.
That’s what I needed. I needed to think things over. I needed to feel less bad about myself. I know where I’m needed.
Screw YouTube’s viewing masses. I am happy with what I do. I’m happy with my music and chill streams of American Truck Simulator. I’ll get my full time job eventually. I don’t know what I want to do and that’s a strength. Why? It is because I’m so versatile that knowing what I want to do limits me. I’m good at everything but a master of nothing. I know a bit about everything, but like nothing. It keeps me unattached and useful in any department. I am a Chas of all trades.
Now, if only I knew where a Chas of all trades could get hired, I’d be set.
Anyway, thanks again Rad Blog. You always do seem to help me feel slightly better.