It is has been kind of a bad week for the daily prompts so you get to read my running thoughts.
Yesterday was a pretty low day for me, but pretty great physically. I ran a mile under 7 minutes which is really good for me. In my prime, I was able to run a mile in about 6 minutes.
Mentally, though, it was not as good. I know my Queen is fighting through the last of her finals and I’m very proud of her. I know how hard it is personally.
Yesterday I got smacked down from my “high” thoughts. I say “high” because I’m not sure of a better word to describe it. You kinda know my trends if you’ve read this blog before.
When I’m in my “high” thoughts, I’m more open to showing myself. I stream things. I’ll make videos too.
Now, I’m in the “low” thoughts again. I made all the videos private and I have no idea when I’ll stream again.
What brought this on me? I was watching this guy yesterday who is pretty nice and all and he was talking about the essentials of making content. I realized I was nothing like that and decided my efforts were futile and I should quit.
I know I shouldn’t listen to such things. I know I should be doing things for me and for fun. I am not having fun. Maybe streams are fun. I enjoy only having people I know watch it. I’m surprised this blog has never really gone hidden. I think I have enough of an idea that I know this blog is for me and no one else. Videos on YouTube? Would I watch my own videos? No. I wouldn’t. They are made for people. I like the process of playing them, which is why streaming is better for me. It is low maintenance and if people watch, they watch. If they don’t, they don’t. The past streams stay up for about 2 weeks and if someone sees it, then they see it. They can’t do much else with it.
People have dreams to shoot for the stars. If everyone is heading to the stars, surely they’d crash into each other. Not everyone will make it. Shooting for the stars doesn’t seem like a good idea because of how many people wanna get there. Do I have the ability to get there? Maybe. I think everyone has the ability to be the best at whatever, but is it worth it to fight the entire way? No. I think I’ll settle for shooting for the Taco Bell down the road.
I really like my friends who wanna pursue creative endeavors. I honestly think they do good work. I don’t just say that because I’m a friend. I truly believe it.
Maybe my friends believe in me too. Maybe they say I’m good at something because they truly mean it. It has always been like me not to believe it. That’s part of an inferiority complex. We aren’t supposed to believe compliments. We also take all criticism to heart.
Some would say that having this belief is really stymieing myself, but I feel like there’s no way to get around it. I will always feel this way. I have said this before. The best thing I can do is live with it. I take the “high” thoughts along with the “low” thoughts.
It is odd to me how things people say can instantly throw me in my high/low thoughts. They don’t even have to be related which is the very odd thing. I mean, maybe they are a little related, but I make things out of nothing.
The guy said that personality is really important, right? A normal person would go “Hmm. Yes. That’s true. Someone with good personality is always good to watch.”
Me, I instantly think of my lack of direction. People will notice it. They’ll notice it in this blog too. I have no theme. My content creation is inconsistent at best. There’s a reason why a rap star doesn’t make a country album. They might love music, but if they are known for their rap talent, they aren’t going to make a country album, even if the potential album would be decent.
What am I saying? I am saying that my personality is random, and not in the whole “have a piece of panda pudding” random. I’m talking about me doing drink reactions, then me doing some sort of creative post, then me writing this type of thinking piece. People don’t like that. They like consistency. YouTube tells me all the time in their “helpful tips” that people like consistent videos. I don’t wanna do consistent. Some days all I wanna do is make a playthough of a game. Other times I wanna make my whole Chas In Real Life series. Other times I wanna collaborate with Gildem. It is random.
That’s not really just personality. My real personality is the ability to mimic. People don’t like mimicking. They like original stuff. If they wanted to see who I was mimicking, they’d go watch the real person.
Okay, maybe I don’t always mimic things. What do I do originally? I point out the obvious. That’s what I do.
See, it is hard to judge my own personality when I don’t even know what it is. Someone else could tell me, but then I wouldn’t believe them. The vicious cycle of the inferiority complex. This is why I think staying out of content creation is probably the best for me.
I will stream Dragon Age Inquisition. It is only fair. I streamed the other two games. I will stream this one.
Maybe I should stop watching that guy. No. It wouldn’t be fair. He is really nice and kinda cool. It is just me being me that made me get all low again.
Owlflame said something like “If you think you’re good enough, then you probably are.” I never usually take his advice because he’s usually the one that makes me wanna give up on everything. What’s that? How can I say that? He’ll read this? No he won’t.
Anyway, his advice is kinda good here. If I could truly believe in it, then I might just be content with myself. Unfortunately, I cannot. I just can’t move out of this thought. With that, I will continue to learn how to cope with this inferiority complex. There’s got to be a way to use it to my advantage.
See, I’m thinking in a more productive light. I know I have this way of thinking. I accept I will never be able to change it. I need to figure out a way to live with it and understand it. I’ll figure it out someday.
For now, I’ll deal with this low thinking. Please don’t try and cheer me up because it doesn’t work. This post is what I do to figure things out for me. When I write, I think. I think about what I do and maybe I’ll say “Nah. Some people what I do. It doesn’t matter. It is unfair to hide all the videos because I don’t like em.”
That’s it really.