The Days Where I Could Throw Something

Rad Blog.


I’ve got some thoughts I need to throw here. It is one of those posts again, so go ahead and skip it if you don’t wanna read my self loathing or whatever this is.


I used to belong to this community place where I had a bunch of friends. I was pretty young and dumb. I was also a lot more chipper back then too. I took a long time away from the place after some events and thought I’d never return. I sorta did last year, but I was more into checking on things. I’m currently back at it again. I see time has changed there. Everyone is new, yet everything is the same. There’s still the star people. There’s still the elitist snobs. There’s still the spammers. There’s still everything. Didn’t the song go “It’s all the same, only the names have changed” ?


This had me thinking back to when I was around and how dumb I was. The daily prompt today talked about if I’d want a time machine. I’m gonna think about that right now.


In some cases, yes. I’d love a time machine. I’d go back to the past and guide young Chas.


At the same time, if I guided young Chas, where would I be now?


Maybe I’d just go into the future and get cybernetics where they’ll be affordable. I would like to live for a prolonged time. It isn’t that I’m afraid of death or anything. I just don’t see a point in it.


Death! A good subject. We learn that there’s only two things certain in this world which is death and taxes. Avoiding death would be a feat for me. I often thing that my life has no purpose. At least I can play video games while living. When I’m dead, there’s nothing. I’d be even more useless dead than I am alive. How does that make me feel? Pretty terrible.


If I had cybernetics, I could contribute something. I could keep working well into my late years doing menial tasks for probably little pay. In exchange for work, I’d be able to live to see things happen.


Okay, done with that. Back to the community.


I feel like a ghost there, despite not ever being well known or anything. I had my small circle, which in retrospect was pretty terrible. I constantly had falling outs with them and I’m sure they didn’t have a high opinion of me. I was just relevant because of how much noise I made.


I learned the lesson. I’m better now, I think. Too much, far too late.


I doubt anyone from that community will ever read this. I don’t expect them to read it.


Why now have I brought this up then? I read a post today where all these people were listing good qualities of the friends they made in this community I have been watching from afar. I realized then how in my old circle we had similar qualities and nice things to say about each other. In 6 or so years, will these people even be talking to each other? It is futile. There’s no point in sticking around because everything will leave one day. The people that read this blog may unfollow because I stop saying insightful things. They may just quit the site entirely because of something else. That’s why I never will write for followers.


I guess what I’m saying is that we’re all alone in this world. That is an absolute truth.


I don’t mean to bring hate on this community that is all grateful for each other. It is nice to have friends. I’m actually happy for them for being so close. I guess I’m more rueful for what I’ve lost. No. That’s not it. I’m rueful that I didn’t see it coming.

Let’s talk about authority now.


This place had moderators. When I was younger, I wanted nothing more than to be a moderator. I petitioned and begged, but never got it. They told me I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t happy with the mod team then, but I have learned they were absolutely right.I was never ready. I will never be ready. My time has passed on that. The moderators need to have a few good aspects. They need to be a part of the community they serve. They need to be fair. They need to be knowledgeable.

When I wanted to be a mod, I was only slightly any of those things. I was absolutely a part of the community. I was not fair. I was only sorta knowledgeable. The power would have went to my head then. I believe I’m better now. I’m more fair and I’m more or less knowledgeable, but I will never be an integral part of any community again.


I suppose I could just pick myself up and do it again, but I don’t really wanna. I want what I had back. It is gone and stupid of me to want it back, but I do.


My problem is that I can’t ascertain why. It isn’t a nostalgic purpose. I don’t really get nostalgic. I’m far too busy trying to figure out what the past has done for me now.


When I write here about it, everything sounds terrible. It sounds like the worst place ever. When I remember the past, it really wasn’t that great.


I think I know why now. It wasn’t what happened, but how I felt then. I was chipper like I mentioned. I was actually happy about things. I long for that feeling again perhaps. It is very silly of me.


Maybe I should just move on from that past. It will not provide me with any good insight. People always say you gotta let go of the past to make new memories. I don’t really care about new memories. It is all about being around for them. Memories are what got me here in the first place.


I think I also miss the old circle because I want to know if they are fine. It is the Chas in me. People I once cared about will always have a place in my mind. I often talk about my grudges, but the good people in my life will never be forgotten.


This whole post was just so I could think. Don’t take too much from it. It is better than talking to myself in a mirror, which I do sometimes.


So, time machine. Would I guide young Chas? No. I don’t think I would. He needs to experience whatever he experienced, even if it was just a façade. Even now, this post or the next or anything I did in the last week will not matter. The new community will not matter to me. If I somehow get accepted into it, I will always go in knowing that it will end just like the last one.


The people of that circle that are still around are always great to hear from, even if they are important elsewhere. I will never forget them.


Perhaps with this post I will be one step closer to understanding what I’m truly upset with and understand it better.


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